It is always like that... Because of me

Here I am again after a really long time. It's too much for me right now. I feel desperate.

Do you remember how I have been talking about the cyst? So... I was at operation. Guess what... They was not able to take it out because it is on the nerve not on the lymph node how they have been thinking all the time. That's the reason why I have been in pain for so long... And I will be probably for the rest of my life.

You know I should go to EMG and NMR but... What if it is impossible to take it out? Or what if I am not able to move my hand again? Even now after the first operation when they only took a small piece for the test, I am not able to move it properly. No more biking, running, exercising... I can't even go back to work now.

The positive thing is that I can tell I am like X-Men, I do not feel a certain part of my body. But the funny thing is that when it is itchy nothing helps it is like one of those phantom pains, You know. I am trying to be funny but I am nearly crying. I am sorry.

I would like to speak about something else too. You know many people are tired of me. I mean, they are happy enthusiastic and talking to me at first but then... They probably forget about me literally at one second and then they act like I am not there anymore. I just do not exist for them no more. I am trying to be kind, fluffy, happy, a good companion but... It is too hard for me or they just do not care.

I do not know. No, I know. I am the worst thing in everyone's life. I am sorry for them. That they met me and that they tried to be my friends. It is for nothing I am not a good person. I behave horrible and I will never be good enough for anyone at least to be their friend. There is something awful about me. To be honest, I am sure it is my selfishness and I do not care about others enough. I will be alone for the rest of my days because I am a broken doll who scares others and who takes care only about herself.

I want to go to work but... To do what? I can not do the physical work now and I am horrible in everything else. I have not been able to get a better job for two years. I have no skills I am not experienced I do not have proper education. And money? Money in the hands of the person like me would be such a waste...

I am sorry for writing it here. I do not want to complain. It is all my fault, you know. I just need to get it out of my heart and brain beacause that pain is... I can not handle it.