I know 2020 is still running. Even we are not in the half of the year, but it has already taken away a lot from me this year...
I have had problems with my health since 2016 but there has always been something that kept me afloat. Something that made me feel alive. It were riding a bike, running, I could do whatever exercise I wanted to do.
At the beginning I was also surrounded by my friends. They were here for me and I was there for them too. Some of them knew that something is wrong. I told them about the vocal cord problem (which was obvious, I could not speak for like a month), the migraine problem which appeard later,... And the last one was a cyst.
The cyst is near my collarbone and nerves. I knew there is something terribly wrong when I started feeling the pain in my upper back when I had a part-time job in a book shop. I needed this job because I had to pay for my studies and did not want to my parents had to pay it. So every single time after job I could not touch my back because it hurt so much that when I touched it I began to cry because of the pain. I thought it is because my bad spine or that I exercise less... But then I find out there is something round near the collarbone and when I touch my back I can feel the pain next to that round thing. Firstly I was like: "Oh no, what the... Cancer? Or it will disappear?" I mean every time there was something bad with my health, it suddenly disappeard like in two years... So I calmed down a little bit. But the pain continued...
After 7 months I had to go to the doctor. When I told her about my problem. She looked like a really mad killer. I mean, she was really angry because I did not come earlier with my problem, she seemed to be shocked and nervous a little bit. So I went to the ultrasound, they also made a histological examination and CT. During all of those and after it, every doctor repeated: "It looks like a cyst, it is probably nothing. It maybe disappear in some time."
Now, after 2 and a half year, it is still there. Sometimes I feel pain in my arm, tingling in my fingers and pain around that thing. I can not ride a bike, run... I can not do any exercise. I feel useless and I am scared that I will not be able to work after school or just do normal things people do in their free time. I feel dead inside - like there is a huge space which is completely empty. I cry a lot instead of studiyng and doing things to school which I should do because this is my last year at the university.
During all those years I have been thinking if I am not a burden to my friends. I am pretty sure I used to be. There is a past tense because I started avoiding them in January 2020. Now I have no one. Yes I feel lonely and broken but I hope they are happier without me. Because I have nothing which I could offer them. I only make people sad. These are the reasons why I did it.
The only way I see which could help me is firstly to do more tests because everyone says: "We think is is just a cyst." You think but you did not do tests if there is any virus or bacteria which could cause it or any test to oncomarkers. I know I am not a doctor but I also know that the only one option that I have right know is an operation which scares me so much. It is because I am afraid of not being able to move my arm if they cut the nerve... or other nerves which lead to the spine.
I do not want to just sit for the rest of my life. I want to move. I want to do the the silly things, to be happy. I remember how hyped I used to be when I went to the nature or went out with the friends. I miss those times. I want them back. But it seems like my life is done. I have no idea what to do. I just wish there would be someone who would hug me and say: "Everything will be alright."
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